Torn
by Clear Skies
Summary: Tai's caught between two people, but who will he choose? Shounen ai and sappiness warnings... LAST chapter up.
1. Tai

A/N: Hiya! *waves* Welcome one and all to Torn, my latest creation. Expect plenty shounen-ai and plenty angst to come. Major thanks to Lynne for _finally_ coming down off her personal Muse Cloud and giving me some inspiration for this.   
This is also my first fic to have formal input on you guys. That's right, you the reader can influence the outcome of this fic. For more details, read on...   
Disclaimer: Yada, yada, yada. You know the score by now. Not mine, never will be.   


  


* * *

  
I, Taichi Yagami, have a secret.   
Oh gods no, not _that_. I've known I was gay since I was thirteen - the first time I kissed another boy.   
No, it's something a _lot_ worse than that. Something that could seriously screw up my life if it ever came out.   
I'm in love with two people.   
  
No big deal, some might say. Pick the cuter one, the one you get on best with, the one who's better in bed, or any of a thousand such categories. But it's not as easy as that. One, I'm not sure they even fall into the same category, and two, they're brothers.   
  
_It wasn't meant to happen_. The line everybody uses, and no-one really understands. Well, I do.   
At the start, I never _expected_ to fall in love with Matt, but once it had come to pass I just accepted it. I discovered he felt the same way, and there was no problem. I just didn't mean to fall for his little brother as well.   
It happened very suddenly - I noticed TK was missing during a party at Yolei's and found him outside, staring up at the stars. I asked him jokingly what he was looking for, and he replied quite seriously that he was trying to see Heaven.   
I remember looking down at where he sat on the cold grass, hugging his knees to his chest, and noticing that he was crying - quietly and without a fuss. I shucked my jacket off and wrapped it around his shoulders, then sat down beside him and asked him what was wrong. He turned those deep blue eyes on me and said,   
"You'd think with all those millions of stars out there for kids to wish on, they'd find one to grant me my wish."   
I remember inquiring as to what he meant, and he told me that since his parents' divorce no-one had ever hugged him, ever told him he was special, ever made him feel properly loved. He said he loved Matt with all his heart, but they were just brothers - they loved each other _so_ much, but he wanted his parents back, wanted them to love him properly again. Then he said he was being selfish and started crying all over again.   
What was I meant to do? I couldn't very well leave him out on a cold night to cry his eyes red, so I pulled him into my lap and held him and rocked him and stroked his hair and made those meaningless little soothing noises that seem to be the human brain's automatic response when confronted by tears.   
When he'd finally cried himself out into my shoulder, he turned his face up towards me, and I remember seeing those cherry-red lips and knowing exactly what I was about to do. And knowing with equal certainty and with a certain degree of horror that I could do nothing to stop myself.   
Sure enough, I bent over and kissed him. I remember thinking, _Nice going, Yagami. Matt's going to love you for this one,_ but I couldn't break away. He was clutching at me, as if he thought I was going to vanish, but for all that the kiss was gentle and tender.   
When it finished, he just lay there in my arms, still sniffing, and I hugged him fiercely to my chest. That was when I realised - right then, I would've gone anywhere and done anything for that boy. I loved him.   
  
The only trouble was, by that time I was already in a relationship with Matt. A four year relationship - we'd got together when we were both fourteen. Our first kiss had been completely accidental and unexpected - I'd come off the football pitch after spraining my ankle badly, and he'd rushed to help me because I was limping so much. We were halfway to the changing rooms (and, thank god, out of sight of the pitch) when I stumbled and fell, bringing him down on top of me. We just sort of lay there for about ten seconds, neither of us saying anything, our heads drifting closer together little by little. I think we were both really nervous, because when our lips finally touched we both squeaked and jerked apart. He didn't try and get up, though, just lay there on top of me, blushing and looking generally adorable. Eventually I couldn't stand the tension any more, so I reached up, grabbed the back of his head and dragged him back down to kiss me. I knew right then and there that I loved him.   
  
So there you go. I've kissed them both, and I love them both. Two points apiece. Maybe I should try the categories thing after all.   
OK, so which of them is cuter? Well, there's no denying Matt is _hot_. Forget stopping traffic, he could cause a nine-mile motorway tailback. He has a great body, a wonderful smile (that lopsided grin of his makes me go weak at the knees) and his hair is always immaculate. If you saw him in a museum, you'd swear one of those Greek Adonis statues had come to life and started walking around.   
TK, on the other hand, could probably only stop traffic if you threw him in front of it. He blonde hair's often tousled, and he's nowhere near as buff as his brother - he tends instead towards slim and slender.   
But while his smile may be shy and rare, when it does come out his face lights up like a Christmas tree. Matt may be totally drool-worthy, but when TK smiles he's irresistible.   
  
So, cuteness test proves inconclusive. Who do I get on better with?   
I think Matt has the edge in this category. TK's very much a 'staying-in' person - he likes to snuggle up and just 'be together', and he's quiet and not very outspoken.   
By contrast, Matt is a great guy to be around. He always was, and still is, my best friend. We have a fantastic time together, laughing and joking, pulling tricks and so on. We can finish each other's sentences, tell what the other is thinking, and when we get together we do the most insane - and hilarious! - things. Like the time we ran Izzy's boxers up the school flagpole, or started a rumour that Joe did crochet, or told Sora's soccer coach that Sora had quit the team in order to play hockey instead.   
  
One point to Matt, then, for being a friend just as much as my boyfriend. Now, who's better in bed...   
OK, this is _very_ embarrassing. Plus I can't decide. The first time Matt and I made love was just incredible. We'd taken a picnic up onto the hill outside Odaiba to watch the stars come out, and ended up wrapping ourselves in the picnic blanket and making love, slowly and tenderly.   
Of course, Matt's score is helped by him being very...uh...inventive. He knows all the best aphrodisiacs (he'd feed me chocolate-covered oysters if I let him) and has an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of all my sensitive spots.   
TK, by comparison, is very naïve. If he knew half the things his brother and I have done he'd probably have an embolism.   
Which isn't to say he's not fantastic. Every time we make love, it's like the first time - he's just so...innocent and virginal. He's so careful and loving, always putting my pleasure before his own.   
  
Ugh, this is horribly difficult. So far, Matt just about has the edge, but there really isn't enough between them to justify a decision. Nevertheless, I _do_ have to make a decision. This can't go on forever - sooner or later Matt is going to find out about me and TK, and then all hell will break loose.   
I feel terrible keeping it from him, anyway. He's been so fantastic to me ever since we got together - giving me flowers every Valentine's, taking care of me when I'm ill, and never ever forgetting a birthday or anniversary. I honestly can't believe I've been selfish enough to have an affair with TK.   
  
That said, I do love TK. He's so sweet and kind, and some of the things he does just make me melt. Like when he baked me a cake all by himself - especially noteworthy because Matt's always been the culinary expert of the family, so TK's never dared to try anything himself. The things he does, just for me - they make me feel so special, and I love him all the more for them.   
  
What kind of choice is this, anyway? Whichever one I choose, I stand to completely alienate the other - and it's only made worse by the fact that they're brothers. I don't want to be what comes between them.   
Of course, that isn't true. If it were, I'd never have started seeing TK behind Matt's back. It's all my fault already. I guess when Matt finally does find out, I'll deserve everything I get. Maybe I shouldn't make a choice, maybe I ought just to let it come out and take what I deserve.   
I don't want to lose them, though. Either of them. I wish there was some way of splitting myself, so I could have both of them. I _love_ them both. I don't know how - or why - it happened, but I do.   
  
OK, so I have three options. One, do nothing. Carry on seeing both of them and wait until Matt finds out and everything blows up in my face, with no way to tell how long that'll be.   
Two, choose Matt. Tell TK I can't see him any more. Lose that wonderful smile, and never have him bake me a cake again.   
Three, choose TK. Tell Matt I've been seeing his brother for over a year, cheating on him behind his back. Lose a great friendship as well as ending a four-year relationship, and probably lose all my friends into the bargain. Matt knows them all as well as I do, so they'll be forced to pick between him and me just as I'm being forced now.   
I can't do this. This is just too hard. I can't choose between them - I love them both so much.   
And yet, what kind of pig am I? I've cheated on my boyfriend, who trusts me, with his fifteen-year-old brother. I've told TK that I love him even though I'm with his brother, even though we can't tell anyone about our relationship for fear of Matt finding out. TK lives in fear of his brother coming round and confronting him one day.   
I've told Matt that I love him more than anyone, that I want to be with him forever. Twisted words, twisted lies.   
I've kissed both of them, slept with both of them, and I _love_ both of them. And I don't deserve either of them. They both deserve so much more than a lying, cheating scumbag like me.   
I know they're going to ask me to choose between them, and I know I'm going to have to. What I don't know is which one to choose, nor why.   
  
I keep seeing them as I love them. Matt after we first made love, his hair spread out over the blanket beside me, one arm draped across my chest, looking so peaceful in the early morning light...   
TK when he brought over my cake, standing in the doorway, that lovely smile playing around his lips, big blue eyes bright with happiness...   
Matt after we got chased through the twilit streets of Odaiba in nothing but our boxers after being discovered by a security guard, making out on the back row of a nearly deserted cinema. His face flushed, panting, laughing uncontrollably, and then leaning forward and kissing me, taking up where we left off...   
TK waking up in the morning after our first night together, blinking sleepily at me, and then that beautiful smile of his coming out like the sun rising...   
Matt after we first told my parents, one arm wrapped protectively round my shoulders, ready to take all the blame and all the anger on himself...   
TK following our first kiss, nestled in my arms with his face buried in my chest, his golden hair brushing against my face...   
How can I choose?   
  
* *   
  
"So we're agreed then. A straight choice, you or me."   
TK took a deep breath, then nodded. He'd expected Matt to go insane with rage, to start screaming and shouting, but he hadn't. Instead, he'd been calm - almost too calm. Between them, they'd agreed that it couldn't go on like this, and Tai had to be made to choose, even though they both knew it would hurt all of them. Neither of them knew which way Tai would choose, neither daring to hope that they would be the choice, and secretly almost wishing that it _could_ go on like this. This would strain their relationships with Tai and with each other to breaking point and beyond.   
"Right then." Matt stood up, extending a hand to TK, but when TK took it he could feel the tension barely hidden beneath the surface. _It'll never be like it was before - we'll never hug each other or talk to each other in the same way again. No-one's going to win today, only lose.   
_  
* *   
  
I fumble with the key to my apartment, only managing to fit it into the lock on the third go, and when the door opens I wish I'd dropped it down the drain outside.   
Matt and TK are both sat there. Matt's eyes are dark, his expression carefully blank; TK's eyes are red and slightly puffy, and his whole attitude's defensive - he radiates _don't hit me_ vibes with everything, from the hunched shoulders to the clasped hands.   
I know instantly, of course. I've spent three hours walking through the city in a daze, contemplating this very event, and here it is happening right in front of me. _Dammit - I shouldn't've given Matt a key._   
Matt speaks, his voice as expressionless as his face. I know that keeping so calm must be costing him a lot, and I dread to think what he'd be like if he slipped for just a moment.   
"So - which of us do you love most?"   


  


* * *

  
A/N: Whee! I love cliff-hanger endings!   
Anyway, Lynne and I had this really good idea. We thought that we'd let you guys, yes you, the readers, decide on what happens. Does Tai go with Matt or with TK? Or neither? (No really bizarre plot twists, please, I can do those by myself :P)   
So place your votes now. Just hit the 'Submit Review' button and make your choice. Taito? Taikeru? Neither? Or even both? (Oh, and don't forget to pop in a comment about the fic!)   
Thanks for reading and see you in the next chapter! 


	2. TK

A/N: Well, so far the score (including reviews e-mailed to me during one of ff.net's prolonged absences) stands at 10-8 to Taikeru. *waits for collective gasp* Yep, it's true. So far it looks like TK's getting the happy ending. (If happy ending there be...)   
Anyway, here we are at the second chapter (sorry it took so long - creative blocks mingled with vacations are NOT helpful things). It's from TK's point of view. Please read and vote in your review at the end of it - Taito or Taikeru. Simple as that.   
All warnings and disclaimers still stand. Nothing explicit, neither here nor throughout the fic.   
Now read on, and make your choice...   
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
_Ugh. This is not going to be pretty._   
I hunch my shoulders even more, curling in on myself in a vain attempt to block out the world and prevent what is now inevitable. As soon as Tai gets his head together and stops flopping like a stranded goldfish I'll be out on my ear and I'll have lost the two most important people to me in the world.   
Sounds stupid, doesn't it? The two people I care about more than anyone else, and I've completely screwed both of them over. Matt will never talk to me again, and somehow I don't think Tai will feel too kindly disposed towards me either.   
I can't believe I've been such a homewrecker. They were perfectly happy before I came along, and they fitted together so well - best friends become so much more.   
And then I spoilt it. I got between them, forced them apart, tore them asunder. I hate myself for it. I can't believe I've been so selfish - I never thought about what was best for Tai or Matt, despite saying that I love them.   
  
Of course, they belong together. Any fool can see that - even as big a fool as I've been. You should see the look on their faces when they're in the same room - those little half-glances and half-smiles. Like they know exactly what the other one's thinking or something. It isn't fair.   
  
Ack. There I go again with the selfishness. I want what I can't have; I want what they've got. I want to be the one who makes Tai look like that, the one to kiss him in front of everyone instead of behind a closed door, the one to _love_ him.   
I do love him. I shouldn't, I know, but I do. I can't help it - there's so much about him that makes me love him. _Everything_ about him - from the way his mouth quirks up at the corner when he's having one of his inward jokes to how gentle he is when it comes to more...physical matters. He's like a burning candle, and I'm the moth.   
And I'm about to get burnt.   
  
About time, I suppose. It was bound to come back and haunt me eventually, and it's no more than I deserve.   
I can still remember how it first started. That party at Yolei's. God, I wish I'd never gone. If only I'd stayed at home, watched that film like I was going to, gone to bed at the proper time instead of staying out past curfew, been _a good little boy_, this would never have happened. The first step on a long downward path.   
I wasn't feeling too hot that night - I'd just been told I was failing Maths (I'm terrible at numbers - I can't even see that one plus two doesn't equal three intact hearts), and then when I came home I mouthed off at Mum. She started it, wanting to know how my grades had slipped so far. I just snapped and launched into this massive tirade against her and Dad and how they'd forgotten how to love anyone when they stopped loving each other. I was horrible - I even made her cry - but I was just so angry I couldn't stop myself. That's why I ended up going to that damned party - my own little act of stupid rebellion.   
It was probably a decent party - Yolei's always been good at social events - but I didn't notice. I wasn't angry any more, just extremely miserable. It seemed as though everyone was having a good time except me. I didn't dance, didn't play any games, didn't even talk to anyone. Eventually I realised I just wanted to be alone and walked out. I found myself a nice quiet spot outside in the garden and proceeded to cry my eyes out.   
That's when I heard someone coming up behind me. I remember wanting to run, to hide, but it was too late.   
I never expected it to be Tai. I thought it would be Yolei, come to do the 'don't-cry-everything's-all-right' routine, or Kari wanting me to come back inside and pretend to be her boyfriend. (How ironic _that_ turned out to be.) I could've put up with Ken or Sora, could've fobbed them off with some lie about what was wrong and endured their sympathy.   
Not Tai, though. I don't know what it was, but for some reason I just realised that I couldn't possibly lie to him. I'd have to tell him everything - that's why I wanted to run.   
I can still remember how surprised I was when he asked me what I was looking for. His tone was light and bantering, and I realised he mustn't have seen me crying. I came up with some flippant-sounding answer, told him I was looking for Heaven or something. The next thing I knew, his jacket was around my shoulders and he was crouched next to me, asking me what was wrong. I tried the facetious approach again, making up a line about finding a star to wish on amongst the millions, but he saw straight through that - he's always been good at that - and asked me what was really wrong.   
What could I say? I've always been a sucker for sympathy. I just opened my mouth and let everything spill out - all my fears and insecurities, how since my parents broke up no-one had ever loved me properly. I told him I knew I should be happy with just having a brother who was devoted to me, but it was never enough. Then I told him I was being selfish and started crying again.   
  
Now, up till then I'd never thought of Tai as being the ultimate People Person. Ken was always the best at quiet sympathy and everyone invariably ran to either him or Sora when they had problems. I don't think I can remember anyone - except possibly Kari - going to Tai for a shoulder to cry on.   
Heaven only knows why, because I found out that night that underneath all that macho soccer star image he is one of the most caring, understanding people imaginable. There I was, being the most pathetic piece of crap possible, deserving nothing other than him walking away in disgust, and what does he do? He hugs me. He pulled me right into his lap and just held me there, resting his chin on top of my head and stroking my hair. I buried my face in his neck and cried until his shirt was sopping wet, hating myself all the while for being so weak and wishing I could be as strong and self-reliant as him.   
Although I expected him to push me off at any minute, he never did. He held me so close I could feel his warm breath stirring my hair, so close that I could feel his chest rising and falling, so close that I could hear his heartbeat mingle with my own.   
Eventually I couldn't cry any more. All the twists and knots inside me had unfurled, flowing out of me along with my tears.   
They left something like a vacuum...but not for long.   
  
I sat there for a few seconds, clinging to him, not wanting him to leave. Then suddenly I realised what I was doing, and made to get up. I looked up at him, intending to mumble out a thank-you and leg it, but something caught me and held me there.   
It was the look in his eyes. Just something in those deep brown depths made me look twice, hoping I wasn't hallucinating.   
I couldn't believe it. I mean, I've not had much affection directed at me in my life, but this was unmistakeable. He actually _cared_ about me, cared what happened to me, cared how I was feeling.   
That's when _it_ happened. Possibly the biggest rush of emotion I'd ever felt in my life. I felt some connection open up between us - now that I knew he cared about me, I opened up completely, instinctively pouring love and warmth back the other way. I tightened my arm around him, reaching up with my other hand to stroke a fingertip down his cheek, asking a question I desperately wanted answering - but that I knew I shouldn't even ask. A voice at the back of my head was screaming at me _no, he's with your brother, you shouldn't be doing this_, but I couldn't help myself. I stretched up towards him and he answered, leaning down towards me and capturing my lips.   
  
My first kiss, my first kiss ever, and it was with my brother's boyfriend. How sick is that?   
I felt so...weird, after. I felt...dirty, yet at the same time incredibly happy. Half of me was on the biggest high imaginable, the half that couldn't believe someone actually _cared_ about me; the other half kept reminding me that this boy was already taken, that he was going out with my brother. For a long time I couldn't actually believe what I'd done.   
When he came back for more, I nearly tore in half.   
  
I honestly couldn't believe it. When I heard his voice on the other end of the phone it fell out of nerveless fingers, and I had to scrabble to pick it back up. He invited me over, and eventually I went, fully prepared for a 'what-we-did-was-wrong' speech.   
When I got there, I thought I'd guessed right. He was stood there, shifting nervously from foot to foot, barely meeting my eyes. He offered me a seat, which I declined - I wanted to be able to make a quick exit.   
Then something totally unexpected happened. He started talking, and instead of the predicted speech he confessed. Confessed to having thought about nothing else but me ever since the kiss, to not having dared to see or even phone Matt in case he let slip something he shouldn't, and above all to wanting to see me again.   
I had no idea what to say. I was struck completely dumb. I guess that sent the wrong signal - he turned away and said that if I wanted to leave now was a good time. So much inside me yelled at me to just turn around and get out of there before I hurt Matt even more.   
Still, I've always been a stubborn little idiot. Instead of running like I knew I should, I did the exact opposite - I went up to him and put my arms round him. Not exactly number one on the list of Smartest Things I've Ever Done, but still.   
Even then, some part of me didn't believe it. I still expected him to push me off, to go back to Matt and leave me alone again, but he didn't. He held me, and kissed me, and cried. And I let him.   
  
God, I'm such a selfish little piece of crap. Even now I keep silently willing him to pick me, but no, he mustn't. He _mustn't_. He and Matt have been together for four years - who am I to come between them? He has to stay with Matt, he _has_ to...   
...and how much I wish he could stay with _me_. When he does choose Matt (and he will - how could he ever choose me over my brother?), my heart is going to tear in half. I love my brother, and I want him and Tai to be happy, but...   
I love Tai too. He's the only person in my life that I've ever felt this way about. He makes me feel...indescribable. Warm and happy and incredibly content. I never deserved the time he spent with me, the attention he lavished on me, and I love him so much for it.   
So even though I _know_ he belongs with my brother, and even though I love them both enough to recognise that, I _still_ want to stay with him. To have him hold me like he used to. Is that so much to ask?   
  
I guess I'm about to find out. He's finally got himself under control.   
His mouth opens, and I brace myself.   
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
A/N: *waits for the collective chorus of 'oh no, not _another_ cliffhanger'* Hey, there are worse people out there! Mentioning no names *cough Persephone cough Darkened Sunrise cough* (read that if you haven't yet).   
Anyway, reviews and especially votes will speed the next chapter on its way. Taikeru 10 - Taito 8 at the moment; who can tell what that score will be by the time the next chapter comes out?   
Thanks as ever for the feedback and your input. Much love,   
CS xx 


	3. Matt

A/N: Right. Third and penultimate chapter of Torn, here for your enjoyment.   
Apologies for it being so short. If it were any longer I'd be getting into the plot exposition for the last chapter, and I can't do that without letting you vote one last time.   
So far, the voting stands at *drum roll*...19 all. Yep, exactly tied. (That's counting all the votes I received by email while ff.net was down, and discounting the three reviews that were completely unsigned).   
So, the rest is down to you. This is your last chance to vote. Taito or Taikeru, simple choice, and we'll see who wins. How long you get to vote depends on how long it takes Lynne to come up with concept for the final chapter :) although I've pretty much got it planned whichever way it goes.   
Hope you enjoy the chapter. Yes, Matt is supposed to be insecure, schizophrenic and generally nuts. How would you feel if your koibito had been stolen by your brother?   
**Disclaimer:** La la la, don't own any of it except inside my own head. Apologies to XIneko for inadvertently stealing a quote from Out (please go and read it if you haven't already, it's incredible), and thanks to AtheneMiranda for letting me leave in the Pylades reference (another fic that everyone should read! Listen to me, people!)   
Now, onto the fic. Leave your votes at the end. Taito or Taikeru?   
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
This has not been a good day.   
First I nearly get run over on my way to college, and the driver threatens to sue _me_ for mental anguish. Then my favourite teacher goes off on one about my term paper being two days late. _Two days_. Then my mother calls and announces she's coming over to see my new digs _tomorrow_. No warning or anything. So I'm left with no time to do anything about the total mess my flat has managed to get itself into.   
Oh, and I found out my boyfriend, my koibito, the love of my life has been sleeping with my brother.   
_Not_ a good day.   
  
I couldn't believe it. I actually came the closest to going postal that I've ever come in my life. I had to shove everything aside, go cold and unemotional just to get past it. How _could_ he? And how could Takeru? My own _brother_, damn it. This is taking sibling rivalry just a little too far. I thought they both loved me - guess I was wrong.   
After everything that's happened, too. When Tai's dad threatened to ground him, stop him seeing me, who stood up to that overbearing bastard? Me. When he got gastro-enteritis, who sat by his bedside, held his hand, talked to him, emptied his bucket? Me.   
...who puts him before anything else in life? Me...   
  
God, I never thought it'd come to this. I mean, I never expected us to last forever...OK, so I did. So I was stupid and idealistic and hopelessly, idiotically romantic. I thought that once we'd fallen in love we'd stay that way forever. Happy ever after. Roses and bluebirds and all that.   
Damnit, _what went wrong?_ Where, along the line, did I slip up? I've cooked him dinner (not to mention breakfast) more times than I can count, gone to all his soccer games, spent an entire Christmas Day just holding him in my arms and stroking his hair. I've been a part of his life for four years. Doesn't that count for anything?   
  
I keep wondering how on earth I never noticed. What I thought were little things now seem like such obvious signs I can't believe I missed them. A glance, a half-smile, a casual touch. Hidden in plain view, where I was too blind to see it.   
My _brother_. How was I supposed to see that one coming?   
  
And then I realise. I've never said _I love you_._   
_Oh, I've said it - in the heat of the moment, or whispered lightly when he's drifting off to sleep, but never properly. I shy away from things like that - I could never face him when he looked at me with that loving intensity in his eyes and said '_I love you_' with more force in his voice than I'd ever heard before. I dropped my eyes, said 'I know' or 'The feeling's mutual' or something stupid like that.   
You see, I was _never sure._ It was the first time I'd even crushed on someone, never mind been in a relationship. I had nothing to compare it with, no prior experience to be able to give a name to that hot, tingly feeling I felt whenever he was near me. I didn't know what to call it when he kissed me, or when we...did it.   
Shit. I can't even call it _making love_ in case I'm lying. The single most incredible experience of my life, and I can't give it its proper name.   
I'm about to lose him. I've never told him that I love him. I may never get the chance.   
  
  
_It's been too long. _He's been standing there for far too long. How is the choice that difficult? TK or me, me or TK. My four years of devotion against...whatever they had. For however long they had it. Jeez, I don't even know they were going behind my back. A year? Two? How long has he been lying to me every time I said 'is everything all right?' How long have I not meant enough to him?   
I obviously wasn't enough. He had to go to my little brother for what I couldn't give. God, I must be the worst boyfriend on the planet.   
I just want to go up and take his hand and walk out of here, away from this. Some childish little voice in me says _make it go away. I don't like Now. Make it be Then, when everything was nice._ I want to go back to when we held hands and walked through the park, not caring who saw us; when we snatched kisses every second we could; when we went outside and sat under the stars and just held each other.   
But I can't. This has happened, and nothing will ever be the same. I won't ever look at him in the same way again. When I ask 'is everything all right?' I won't take 'yes' for an answer. I'll watch his every move, check his mail, listen in to his phone conversations. I know I will.   
And what about TK? I won't trust _him_ again. He stole my boyfriend.   
This is tearing me in half.   
  
Tai will pick me. I know he will. He _has_ to. He's been with me the longest. I was his first boyfriend. He _must_ pick me.   
Then why is he looking at TK like that? I tell myself it's an _I'm sorry_ look, a _we can't see each other any more_ look, but I don't believe myself. He's going to choose TK, isn't he?   
What will I do if he does? I'll be second best, the 'other one', the runner up. The one who wasn't good enough. But I've done the best I can!   
We've been together so long. I can hardly remember what it's like to be alone any more. He's always been there - our names are practically synonymous. We've become almost one person, to our friends and to each other. You don't get Tai without Matt. We're a double act, inseparable.   
Or so I thought.   
  
I can hardly bear it any longer. The tension's tearing me apart. Pick, damn you, pick and have it over with! Take him if you want, leave me on my own, just do _something_. I have to know - who means more to you? Who lights your fire? Who floats your boat?   
Any minute now, I'm going to crack. I'm going to scream at you, like I've wanted to ever since I heard. I've been holding it in too long, and it's about to boil over. I don't know what'll happen if it does. Can I stop myself before I go too far and lose you forever? What if I start yelling just as my name's about to pass your lips?   
Damn it, I've _got_ to know. Him or me?   
  
You wet your lips nervously, and I lean forward almost subconsciously. The tension in the air hums like a plucked guitar string.   
TK just sits there, chewing on his lower lip, eyes fixed on the floor. See? He doesn't care. Pick me!   
You part your lips, ever so slightly...   
And in that split second, TK's head comes up, and I realise how wrong I've been. His eyes are red, his face crumpled, tears still spilling down his cheeks. He fixes you with a half-pleading, half-resigned look that pierces my heart and makes me want to cry for him. I can't believe I've done this, forced this on them.   
"I hope you're happy together."   
That's all he says, in a small, quiet voice. There's a breathless moment where we all seem to be caught out of time, and then he's gone. One second he's there, the next the door is swinging shut behind him as he races out into the night. I feel so awful...   
  
You turn to me, and I see you're crying too. There's warm wetness on my cheeks - I guess it got to all of us. You fix me with an imploring look, and suddenly I realise - you don't know what to do.   
And nor do I. Do I let you go after him, like I should, or do I take you in my arms, as I so desperately want to?   
I guess it's my choice now. 


	4. Finale

A/N: Ouch. This chapter hurt a lot to write. It's likely to hurt a lot to read. Be warned.   
One quick note before you plunge straight in - _koibito_ means boyfriend or lover; _itoshii_ means loved one, soulmate.   
  
  
____________________   
  
  
  
"Go."   
Even as the word passes my lips, I see your mouth curve in a sad smile, and I know you've made your choice. You come forward and put your arms around me, hugging me fiercely, burying your face in my shoulder.   
"I love you." Your voice is muffled by my shirt; I smile down at you through my tears, wet my lips, and finally say the words I've meant to for so long.   
"I love you too." You look up at me wonderingly, but there's no time. I unwrap your arms from around my body, pushing you firmly in the direction of the door. "Go on. Go."   
You reach out and grab my arm, clinging onto me for just a moment, then with one backward glance you sprint through the door and out into the night.   
  
* *   
  
I can hardly see. It's dark, my eyes are full of tears, and it's raining so hard. I dash the tears out of my eyes with the back of my hand, plunging onwards, not caring where I'm going. My breath is coming in gasps, great choking sobs, and I know I can't keep running.   
Stone against my fingers. I collapse against it gratefully, completely exhausted. I'm wet through, cold and shivering. I wrap my meagre jacket more tightly around myself, desperate for some shred of warmth.   
"Takeru?"   
_Oh no._ I crouch lower, trying to make myself as small as possible, praying that he won't see me in the dark and the pouring rain.   
"Takeru? TK?"   
No such luck. I've realised where I am now - the bridge over the river, just a few blocks away from his apartment and the first place he'd look. I can hear his footsteps coming towards me, muffled by the rain.   
"There you are - oh, 'Keru, I'm sorry..."   
Warm arms around me, a wet cheek against my wet forehead. I stiffen, refusing to respond, but the tears well up again...   
He cradles me like a child, rocking me back and forth as racking sobs tear through me. "Ssh, ssh, 'Keru...don't cry, 'Keru-chan, please..." He shrugs his jacket off his shoulders. wraps it around me; I can smell him on it, even through the rain.   
"De..." My voice breaks; I swallow and try again. "Deja vu."   
"What?" He strokes my streaming wet hair out of my eyes with tender fingers.   
"Isn't this," I choke down a sob, "how it all st-started?" I can't help it - the memory's too much, and I dissolve into tears again.   
"'Keru..." The pet name comes so easily from him, his voice so soft and gentle. "I still love you."   
I turn my head away, not wanting to look at him. "But n-not as much as Matt, r-right?"   
The pause is too long; he swallows, and shifts uncomfortably. "I'm sorry..."   
I shake my head, sending tears flying in all directions. "Don't be. I hope," I gulp air, trying to sound as sincere as I can, "I hope you're happy."   
"'Keru..." Now he's crying, too. In a sudden impulsive movement, he grabs me and pulls me close, sliding one hand behind my head and another round my back, holding me tighter than ever before. I water his chest with hot tears, clinging desperately to him.   
"There'll be others," he says pleadingly. "Other boys, better than me, nicer than me. Boys who'll treat you properly, like you deserve. Boys who'll give you everything..." There's so much of a question in his voice that I expect to hear a plaintive 'Won't there?' as he finishes.   
I twist in his arms till I can look up at him, at his tear-streaked face surrounded by rain-soaked hair. "No. There won't." Almost of its own accord, my hand comes up to touch his cheek. "Only you."   
His eyes widen, and I can't take it any more. I push him away roughly. "Go on. Go."   
He reaches for me; I ignore him, but he grabs me anyway, pulling me back and around and up to meet his lips in the most painful, heartbreaking kiss of my life.   
I grab his shoulders, push myself away from him and shout "_Go!_" with all the force I can muster. He steps back, turns, runs off - and I start crying uncontrollably.   
I fall to my knees, crying so hard I can't breathe, hugging his jacket tightly to my chest, alone in the cold wet night.   
  
* *   
  
By the time I get back to the lighted doorway the tears are spilling down my cheeks. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and it hurt more than anything. The look on his face...god, I can't believe I was the cause of that. So much pain, so much sadness. I don't deserve to live...   
You're waiting for me in the doorway, with a warm sympathetic smile and open arms that I fall into, holding me close and soothing away my tears. I cry until my throat is raw, until my eyes are burning, and you just hold me.   
You've been my rock for so long, my strength, always there for me. I can't believe I cheated on you. You never deserved that.   
Eventually I can't cry any more. I feel so empty, and I know nothing is ever going to make me feel whole again. I just want to curl up in a corner and die.   
  
'Keru...I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to see you smile one more time. Every time I told myself, _this is it, this is the last time I'm doing this,_ but I couldn't live without your smile.   
And Matt...you're so wonderful, and you ought to be with someone else. Not me. I'm a cheater, a liar, a piece of scum. Go on, let me go, let me get out of your life for good. No, don't hold me tighter. Let me go. Please...   
  
I can't do it. Your arms are so warm, so inviting. My eyelids close; I force them open, only to have them close again. I'm so tired, exhausted. I...   
  
* *   
  
I lower you gently onto the sofa, fetch a blanket and drape it over you. I feel so awful - your cheeks are still streaked with drying tears, your face red and blotchy. I can't believe I did this...   
I don't know whether I did the right thing. I know it couldn't go on, but I didn't have to call it out into the open. Maybe I should have just slipped away quietly, let him have you. He seemed to love you so much, more than I ever could.   
But...looking down on you, curled up on my sofa, I know I couldn't have done that.   
  
I lean down, tracing a finger across your lips, careful not to wake you. I feel so strongly about you...can I call it love? I don't know, I just don't know. When you're near me it's like my world's finally complete. Is that love? When I wake up in the morning I think about you; when I go to bed at night I dream about you. Is that love?   
Did TK love you? Does he know how? Is that why you ran to him - didn't I love you enough? I'm so scared, Tai, so afraid you'll leave me again. Maybe if I say _I love you_ more, sound like I mean it, maybe you'll stay.   
Please stay. I couldn't bear to be without you...   
  
* *   
  
I stumble across the bridge, heading for home, but something changes my mind. Something tells me my mum won't be best pleased to have me come in so late at night, soaked to the skin and obviously having been crying. She'd want to know what was wrong, I know I'd have to tell her, and then all hell would break loose.   
No. Instead I head for the park. I need to clear my head - a walk'll do me good.   
  
I was so wrong. Being here conjures up so many memories of me and Tai. We used to come here late in the evenings, when it was relatively safe - we'd sit on one of the benches, screened behind a row of bushes, and steal heady kisses. Every touch made me tingle - fingertips brushing across lips, wrists, faces; shoeless feet circling ankles and trailing up calves. I knew it was wrong, of course, knew he was with Matt, but I couldn't help myself. He made me feel wonderful, warm and loved. I'd never met anyone who cared about me so fiercely, yet so tenderly.   
  
I can't help it. The tears well up in my eyes again, even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry any more. I collapse onto the bench, wrapping my arms tightly around myself, rocking back and forth as I cry my eyes out. I loved him _so_ much...   
It's like an injury, a big gaping wound inside me that won't ever heal. He was never even _mine_, and now he's gone forever. He'll never smile at me, never touch me, never kiss me again. Ever.   
  
Why? Why him? Why couldn't I have fallen for someone else - Davis, or Ken, or Izzy. _Anyone_ else. Anyone who wasn't with my brother. But no, I had to fall in love with Tai. I'm so stupid, such a fool...   
Hot tears spill quietly onto the grass as I cry for what I had and couldn't keep...   
  
* *   
  
I stir, feeling unfamiliar weight covering me - Matt's fallen asleep draped over me, head resting on my chest. I smile carefully, not wanting to feel anything just yet - it hurts too much. His golden hair is spread out over the blanket, shifting gently as he breathes.   
I love him, I know I do. I've loved him for years. So why do I feel so empty when I look at him?   
No. He's beautiful, perfect, such a wonderful person. If I'm not happy with Matt, who would I be happy with?   
_'Keru..._   
No! I made my choice. I couldn't have them both, I know that. I love Matt.   
_Oh, 'Keru..._   
I bite my lip, almost drawing blood as my eyes fill up and overflow. I know this choice couldn't have gone any other way - so why do I wish so, _so _much that it had?   
  
Matt murmurs, opens his eyes, sees me crying. For a second he looks panicky, as though he doesn't know what to do, and then he reaches out for me and takes me in his arms.   
I can't believe I'm crying into his shoulder yet again. I've cried more tonight than ever before in my life. And there's no guarantee I won't go on crying...   
I lift my head from his chest, staring past his uncomprehending eyes, out into the dark night. My _koibito_ may be here with me, but somewhere out there my _itoshii_ is crying, alone...   
  
  
____________________   
  
  
  
*hits reviewers* You evil, evil people! How could you do that to poor little Takeru? And to poor Tai as well!   
Ah, it's not your fault really. This just happened to be one of the few times when my happy-ending-junkieness failed me. I mean, it really _wasn't_ going to end happily, was it?   
Excuse me. I've got to go somewhere and cry for a while.   
  
This fic became so much more than I intended. Originally it was just an experiment in POV switching, me trying to see if I could write from three very different perspectives. Obviously it worked - people felt sorry for TK, Tai and Matt by turns, and got angry at TK, Tai and Matt by turns.   
But somewhere along the line, this fic really started to grow. It practically took over my head every time I sat down to write it, demanding my full attention and deserving it too. I'm so glad I wrote it, and so, so happy that you enjoyed it.   
Lynne and I would just like to thank everyone who reviewed and voted - thank you all so much. Special mentions go out to AtheneMiranda, as usual, Debra, as usual, energy and jkb. I love you all, guys.   
Oh, and...drop me one last review on your way out? 


End file.
